The Mini-burger

FanFic in the Birmoverse

Welcome to The Mini-Burger – Fan Fic in the Birmoverse.

Just a quick repast on what we are doing here. This is the repository for fanfic relating to John Birmingham’s Axis of Time Universe and his Without Warning Universe.

Here is a sample of the quality work generally available here.  Apologies to NWB

Rhino Havock

0400 Wheelhouse of MV Aussie Rules.

The Rhino was deliberately waiting before he got his next cup of coffee and a new cigar. He was well aware of the rapidly diminishing supply of both. To find something to do he tweaked the sea clutter up a touch on the RADAR. He snorted “Damned thing’ll acquire, plot & lay off a course & speed for a new target before I even know it’s there.”
While the old days had required more skill, more knowledge, a more intuitive touch, there certainly was something to be said for the new whizz-bangery of integrated GPS Chart Plotters & RADAR with ARPA. He drew some comfort from the knowledge that he could go back to the old technology, where as the under 30 pussies couldn’t find their own ass without GPS. He settled his ass back into the gas lift helm chair, which despite being designed by some softcock interior designer and trimmed in white leather, the Rhino had to admit it was a thing of great comfort.

His mental background chatter stopped short as he sensed someone coming up the stairwell. Mr H, wrapped in a blanket, padded to beside his helm chair.
“Wonderful night isn’t it Mr Rhino?”
“Never get sick of it Havock, not in a million years.”

A companionable silence settled as they looked out on the moonlit sea. More stars than the sky could possible hold danced on the long slow sea swell. The ship flowed through the oiled blackness with a minimum of foam & fuss, as if she had every right to be where she was, on the heading she was.

Inside the wheel house the gentle red glow of gauges and dials lit the Rhino’s hard face from below, evening out a thousand scars and lines. Havock broke the silence.
“I know you’re on watch and I should be sleeping but I am confused AND FUCK ME, I CAN’T GET YOU OUT OF MY MIND. You big lump. I don’t think anything bad is about to befall us but I can’t get to the end of one idea before another jumps over the top of it.”
“Yup?” rumbled the Rhino.
“I mean, I need to know who is JB’s favourite, yeah it used to be MickH and Madoc, but then Lobes and Senator McKinney came along and …” sniff “ … and I just can’t compete with them.

I single tear rolled down Mr H’s cheek. He continued in a quite boyish voice. “I’m not always the tough pirate I seem. Sometimes we all need a little love, I’m sure even Rhino’s need love.”
“Yes sir we do” gentled Rhino.
“Rhino, would you hold me?”
“Well how’s about you climb on up here li’l Havock, seems to me you will about fit in my lap.”

Havock dropped the blanket to one hand and in the light of the gauges the Rhino could see the sheen of sweat on the hairy, gibbon like body of the young man. The slight cross of his eyes lent an exotic air to his otherwise vacant stare.

“God Damn, but you’re small.” He said as the boy-man mounted the footrest of the chair, turned and settled into his arms. The gas lift smoothly and silently eased under the added weight.

It was clumsy but sweet, full of innocent gasps and guileless fumbling. Li’l ol’ Hav didn’t think he’d ever be able to kiss another man after the Rhino had had his way with him. And the post coital promises! The promises left him with a knowing glow. Yes, he thought to himself Rhino would use his influence with to JB and GET HIM INCLUDED IN THE CIRCLE OF TRUST. He snuggled into the big man’s man-boobs and slept until dawn.

“Hey, HAV!” yell Rhino, “get the fuck off me you perv, I have to take a piss.” The naked Havock was dumped unceremoniously onto the wheelhouse floor. He looked around and saw Fifi covering her mouth trying to suppress her laughter and there was Mr Lee and THAT BRIT BIRD I COULD NEVER REMEMBER THE NAME OF and … and …, Geezus it’s Lobes an’ Orin and is that Savo? and FUCK ME – JB hisself.
“Help me Barnesm, wha’s happening,” wailed Hav looking around in panic, “wha’s happenin’??” The laughter swept round and round, faster and faster “WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING!” he screamed as the red light of the Wave burst through the windows of the wheelhouse, bounced off the Rhinos chest and engulfed Havock in it crimson glow. As he winked out of existence the now silent crowd heard Rhino mumble, “Yup, it’s good to be the Rhino.”


9 March, 2009 - Posted by | Without Warning


  1. No worries

    Comment by NowhereBob | 9 March, 2009 | Reply

  2. Oh, sweet Jesus, wait until Havoc spots this one.

    Absolutely A grade stunning.

    I dips me lid.

    Comment by sibeen | 11 March, 2009 | Reply

  3. Ohh . . .goodie! Rhino bashing. Been thinking thoughts about the Right Honorable Rhino.

    Comment by brian | 12 March, 2009 | Reply

  4. Brian, in the original he got some FiFi luvin.
    But some caped crusader thought it’d be better of he got some Havoc tail.
    I believe that masked man is still concealing his identity. Wisely.

    Comment by Nowhere Bob | 12 March, 2009 | Reply

  5. Jeez, Havock’s keyboard is going to explode when he responds to this!

    Comment by Nautilus | 13 March, 2009 | Reply

  6. NWB. Ahh yes . . . I remember the original story quite well. Masked man? (snigger) ‘I wonder , wonder who . . .boop boop de do . . .?’

    Comment by brian | 13 March, 2009 | Reply

  7. it sounds like fiction… but it seems to have a ring of something about it.

    Maybe it is concealed longing.. long hidden feelings & curiousity, supressed needs & the dark depths of the authors mind. The circle of trust os becoming a little less attractive, not that there is anything wrong with that….

    what a start to miniburger!

    Comment by Darkman | 13 March, 2009 | Reply

  8. That is gold. GOLD I tell you!!!!

    It has made my day!!!

    Comment by chazfh | 13 March, 2009 | Reply


    Comment by havock21 | 14 March, 2009 | Reply

  10. Well Havock. I’m surprised. You’re taking this much better than I thought you would.

    I really thought you’d tip over into a red rage.

    Good to see you got a new keyboard.

    Comment by brian | 14 March, 2009 | Reply

  11. Chortle. I’m still snickering over this. Slash doesn’t do much for me, but the image of Rhino and Havock trying to figure out who is more offended by this had me chuckling for hours afterwards.

    Comment by Tarl | 15 March, 2009 | Reply

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