The Mini-burger

FanFic in the Birmoverse

Operation Titty Twister by Michael Bath

 

2nd FanFic Festival entry posted November 30, 2006 at 1:40 PM
 

Operation Titty Twister

Colonel Dave Orin, USAF, pushed his F-86 D “Sabre Dog”, Sex Machine, into a shallow dive, alerted by the ‘deedle deedle’ of the threat warning indicator in his ears. As his primitive radar detection gained a bead on the source of the threat, he released a salvo of four 70 millimetre anti-radiation guided rockets at the target. Once he noticed the Jihadi SAM radar site disappear in a puff of smoke, his thoughts turned to how he came to be leading his Wild Weasel flight up the Nile Valley.

It had been eight years since the New Caliphate was established, following co-ordinated uprisings against colonial masters and unbelievers alike across the globe. Fifty years worth of alternate history books with their inevitable ending made for a compelling means of galvanising those with post-war nationalist sentiment into a unified jihad, known rather modestly as the Great Uprising.

Starting with a dirty bomb detonated in the Zone in 1947, the Great Uprising gained steady momentum over the following four years, leading to war weary colonials and their lackeys being deposed from power from Libya to Iran. The dirty bomb wiped out a great deal of Western expertise and manufacturing capacity, concentrated as it was in the Zone. The irony was not lost on Orin, whose fighter was built just a year prior, in 1954 – in the alternate world it would have been built in 1953! That said, it did come with some sophisticated toys, including the anti-radar smarts that he now used to clear a path for the heavy movers above and behind his flight of four.

The New Caliphate stretched out beneath him as he snaked his way up the Nile Valley. This inaugural Wild Weasel raid – he was happy to borrow the name from the alternate history books – was needed thanks to the Jihadis stealing SAM radar designs from the Zone in 1947. The New Caliphate’s leaders prided themselves on their access to limitless supplies of oil, but in reality they had taken their own sweet time to develop their refining capacities to a level required to sustain a full blown war with the West. For reasons known only to themselves and a few Intelligence nerds, some eighty percent of the Caliphate’s refining capacity was built in the Nile  Valley, the industrial epicentre since the completion of the Aswan Dam just after the “imperialist war”.

But all that was history now – the real kind – thought Orin, as he let fly another salvo at yet another camouflaged SAM site. This time his enemy managed to get away a missile, aimed at the B 52s some miles behind and above him. Sending a warning signal to his colleagues behind him, he said a silent prayer. After scattering chaff and letting loose some flares, his colleagues soon signalled they were in the clear, releasing his mind to drift back to the reason for the mission.

As far as the general public would ever know, the B 52s were each carrying two “Grand Slam II” cruise missiles, designed to penetrate and obliterate the stone wall of the Aswan Dam and so flood the Nile  Valley, decimating the Caliphate’s industrial heartland in the process.

The real reason for the raid was that the National Geological Survey Service had detected the same seismic anomalies emanating from beneath the waters of the Aswan Dam as an alternate – and top secret – history had recorded off the Aceh coast on the morning of December 26, 2004. The ‘uptimers’ had never been able, nor sufficiently motivated, to prove that the Indonesian government had “seeded” the tsunami that killed over a quarter of a million people to “solve” the Aceh problem once and for all. However, uptime intelligence agencies including the CIA and Mossad had reasons to be suspicious, while ASIO was too busy handing out cash to stop and wonder.

Within the US Naval contingent who made the transition in 1942, this suspicion had been treated with the utmost secrecy. Indeed nobody bar a select few knew why the uptimers insisted on allocating so many resources to seismic research, in secret, since their arrival. So important was this research that President Kohlhammer himself had authorised the establishment of the NGSS a week after his inauguration in January 1949.

“Deedle deedle deedle” interrupted the threat indicator. The retractable missile bank of the Sabre Dog was meant to automatically pop-down from the fuselage at the first sign of a threat. An uptimer mechanic posted to their squadron in Cyprus thought it reminded him of something he had seen in a Tarantino movie, worn by a character called “Sex Machine”. The name stuck and Orin had himself an impressive moniker for impressing the ladies in Larnaca ever since.

“SM can’t get it up!” Orin radioed to the rest of his flight, as he noticed the launcher’s malfunction light flickering. “Dang technology!” he thought out loud as two SAMs arced into the sky. However this time he noted that the missiles were screaming towards him and not the heavy movers behind him. It was the last thing he would ever notice, for he had been redshirted and it was only page two.

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9 September, 2011 - Posted by | Axis of Time

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