My love – savo – WW

I am dying for my love, my need, my passion.

Our/my memories were vague, broken.  There was so much, so many of them but so little I could understand. 

Only hunger remained.

Disjointed flashes of reality(?)  erupted within our (my?) soul.  I loved her::we/I loved her(?), confused – betrayed.  If only I/we knew why!  Warmth gone – lost.

But I/we died.  I know I did.  She had I/we/me murdered.  Betrayed me then Murdered me then Enslaved me. 

Why!!! Part of me, all that was left locked inside my heart, screamed over and over again.

Confusion – hate.  Withering hate.  I HATE HER … ‘we hate her…’ whispered a voice from somewhere behind me.

+++

I realised I was a passenger, a small insignificant scared, scared child sitting alone and afraid in a darkened theatre, watching a grainy horror movie.  A movie that I could barely see and hardly understood.  But one that relentlessly played out before me.

Some deep animal part of me knew, just knew I was in my own mind, that something had taken me over and all I could do was watch and scream silently.

I walked on and on, tired beyond tired, beyond fatigued, past that into something I don’t have a word for, no one has a word for.  I walked away, just away.  Away from where I had died and everything that was me, had died.  To the south, like a bird.

+++

The blank times were becoming more frequent now.  My memories of pain further and further apart.  But the hunger was always there.  I was losing out to my hunger.

+++

OHMYGOD! 

I surfaced in cold and clammy panic.  I couldn’t breathe – I never could. 

I’m here … again … for now, and the hunger isn’t as strong.  My eyes were filled with awfulness, the sight before me should have sickened me but it was just another horror, another pain tormenting my mind.  I/We were feeding.  My face was in something’s? stomach.  My head moved and my view changed as my jaws crunched bone and tendon and gristle.  My own stomach strained with the mass of raw, rancid meat we gulped down.

Sated.  My body stood and turned south again.  I had no control of it, I couldn’t go back and look at what I’d been eating.  I didn’t want to, I think it was ‘someone’.

We slowed at night, winter wasn’t over and the cold sapped our strength.  Ages, eons, forever, We stood there, frost blurring the edges of my vision.  To my left dawn crept through the trees, the air warmed and I could smell another carnivore, a meat eater a long way off.  Another of me/us?  Petrol, burnt things and metal were front of us.  The sun warmed our body.  Our legs pulled out of the ice crusted muck we’d been standing in and we moved forward. 

+++

The blare of the pickup’s horn Doppler’d away from me.  I don’t know how close it had come.  I welcome death … I think.  But hunger comes again.  The smell of food was ahead.  I watched as we walked towards the small hall in the field.  Dread seeped into my weariness as I recognised in front of me a small rural school.  A compact car stood to one corner, the teacher’s?, some play ground equipment and benches marked the play ground.  Dear God, Oh God I knew what we were going to do (we’re hungry) and I could only watch.  I prayed to whatever God that had forsaken me that I would blank out again.

If I could have breathed, I’d’ve breathed a sigh of relief as we pushed up against a wire fence.  We halted momentarily but suddenly the world swivelled upside down as tipped end over end and fell over the barbed wire fence.  We scrambled up and continued lurching, inexorably towards the little building.  From the angle of my vision I figured something happened to my left leg, it seemed to be dragging.

We crashed the doors open.  Two dozen pairs of eyes locked on ours just for an instant before the screaming started.  My body was swiping and grabbing at the darting little humans, we stooped and swept and eventually there was only the sensibly dressed young woman in front of me.  We growled a low growl at her. She stood her ground, giving her charges time to escape us.

Our first lunge missed but our other hand came up, I was missing some fingers!  (What happened to my fingers?) Our other hand grabbed her neck and wrenched her viciously to one side.  We leapt at her, our other hand grabbed the side of her head and ~squeezed~. Her face distorted under the pressure of our hands and blood burst out of an eye socket, she tore at my forearms and wrists as we squeezed more and more lifting her in the air, twisting. 

The red light came from every direction at once, so suddenly and so intensely that even our hunger disappeared.  We looked around and the closest thing to alarm I’d experienced, swept through me.  Mortal fear took hold of us.  We turned back, the school teacher had gone!  Our hands were covered in a thick grey puss.  Her earrings were stuck in the small pool dribbling between my fingers, her clothes at my/our feet.  We ran, blindly, a guttural sob escaped me as my red existence blurred (with tears?) and winked out.

+++

Time almost had no meaning to me.  My body had been damage further, I’d resorted to attacking wild animals, and wasn’t too good at selecting victims.  Clearly something had badly damaged the left side of my face one of the times I was ‘away’ as I no longer had binocular vision.  I remembered walking through thick hot smoke that burnt my clothes and sloughed my skin off.  One of my arms was reaching forward at a disturbing angle, more fingers missing.  It was horrible, I wanted it to end, I wanted me to end.  My memories were gone or corrupted and I could feel my sanity, my essence becoming less and less each time I came back.

+++

And then one day the red light was gone.  There was no way for me to know how long the light had been gone.  I don’t know how long it had been just plain daylight, but I knew what I could smell.  Hunger erupted and BURNT through my being.  What I wanted, want I needed, what I couldn’t get before and had gone away, had returned. 

I lurched forward towards the building.  Nothing could stop me.  Nothing.  My groans for brains helped suppress my fervour, my HUNGER, MY URGE. 

I am dying for my love, my need, my passion.